Who is she?

Have you ever had the feeling that you were at rock-bottom with no where to go? Stuck at your lowest point and feeling like a huge boulder was weighing you down? Wrought with so much despair that you couldn’t even will yourself to move?

I felt this way the day I found out about HER. The other woman in Husband’s life.

After Husband left the house that day, I sat in the dining room slumped over the table in a heap, unable to move, unwilling to move. Luckily for me, or more so my kids, my best friend Daisy came over to make sure they were fed and had everything they needed before they settled down for bed.

I was left a complete mess at the news of Husband’s ‘friend’, as he referred to her. How could Husband do this to me? To us? Why did he find comfort in another woman? Was our marriage really that bad? Was I that shitty a wife? I just needed to know why.

But no matter how many times I cried out “Why?” I wasn’t going to get my answers that night. Even banging my fists against the table wasn’t going to help. The only thing screaming and pounding on the table did was allow me to release the pent-up rage inside of me.

And Daisy let me rage like a banshee. She just sat quietly and watched me until I was eventually reduced to uncontrollable tears.

I definitely needed it. I needed to lash out and get all the shock and anger out of my system. The faster I did this, the faster I could get to the business of finding out who SHE was.

And it didn’t take long for me to find out. With the help of the super-sleuthing abilities of my girlfriends Daisy and Penny, I found out that SHE was someone who Husband went to high school with. She was recently divorced and was a regular at Husband’s restaurant/bar. She was the girl who Penny had questioned me about just a few weeks before.

But she was also a girl who had a bit of a reputation in her high school days which carried over well into her adult years. She was someone who Husband and his friends had once considered a lost cause. She had a baby in her senior year in high school and wasn’t even quite sure who the baby’s father was. How in the world could Husband find pleasure in her company? Why her? Did he not remember what kind of reputation she had in high school? Did he really want to be associated with that kind of person? As crazy as it sounded, even I was embarrassed for him.

Regardless of her bad reputation though, this woman had Husband’s attention. He found something in her that he couldn’t find in me.

Now shouldn’t this have been my queue to give him the old heave-ho? Show him the door and never let him back in?

I think 2017 me would have done just that. But 2009 me was weak. Afraid. Scared to mess up our perfect little family of five. Willing to do anything in my power to keep our marriage and family intact. This was when I let Husband take control of the steering wheel and decide which path our marriage would take. This is when I basically gave him permission to march around town with this other woman while I sat at home like a good wife waiting for him to come back.

This would be one of many mistakes that I would make in the following months. Mistakes that would shape who am I today and why I feel like I’m not fully healed from Husband’s infidelity.

Even after all these years.

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